Recipe for What the Fuck Soup

[squeequeg]

1. Make tasty asparagus dish* for communal dinner. Realize that one now has a lot of tough asparagus ends. Debate efficacy of end-snapping technique. Vaguely remember advice on saving asparagus ends to make stock. Toss ends in fridge.

2. Look up recipes for vegetable stock. Greatly overestimate one's cooking skills. Chop up asparagus ends. Discover half an onion and some sad parsnips in back of fridge. Chop them up too. Play with cheesecloth and make bouquet garni. Spend evening simmering stock and watching anime.

3. Apartment now smells of asparagus. Debate relative merits of smelling like asparagus. Stop train of thought before it can reach unwelcome destination.

4. Strain stock, congratulating self on kitchen skills. Notice stock is a particularly interesting shade of green. Refrigerate stock. Worry about various kinds of food poisoning.

5. Look up slow cooker recipes for ideas. Place great amount of faith in ability of slow cooker to make food out of anything.

6. Add stock, leftover smoked pork hock from cassoulet attempt, baby spinach that was next to the sad parsnips, leftover hot sausage (see cassoulet), and can of white kidney beans to slow cooker. Look up pasta/slow cooker combinations, on the theory that some soups have pasta too, and decide to add pasta near end of cooking time.

7. Reflect that current work schedule does not make for convenient cooking times. Convince Wonderful Companion to switch on slow cooker at appropriate time. Emphatically warn Wonderful Companion that the contents of slow cooker may not be to his liking.

8. Debate whether Wonderful Companion's lack of concern regarding the slow cooker contents is a sign of a generally optimistic outlook on life and cuisine or a sign of dangerous heedlessness. Suspect Wonderful Companion is secretly amused. Realize that Wonderful Companion's amusement would not be secret if it were present.

9. Return home to find slow cooker bubbling away. Decide scent is, while unusual, not bad.

10. When digging in cupboard for pasta, discover summer sausage. Remember that earlier attempt to add summer sausage to cassoulet was thwarted by sibling. Realize further that there is no one to stop us this time.

11. Chop up summer sausage, cackling maniacally. While pasta is boiling, add summer sausage to and remove smoked pork hock from slow cooker. Shred smoked pork hock, noting poor meat/not meat ratio of hock.

12. Add shredded meat and pasta. Turn slow cooker to High. Leave for an hour.

13. Serve with French bread. Contemplate one's fate.

14. Consume.

15. Proclaim "What the fuck? This soup has no right to be tasty!"

16. Attempt to replicate recipe, if only for the amusement of one's friends.

* The asparagus dish is quite tasty and much simpler, being little more than roasted asparagus with bacon and goat cheese crumbled over it. If served on toast, it requires a Dex check to eat successfully, but would probably be just as tasty and less problematic if served straight.

Comments

[2h2o.livejournal.com]

it requires a Dex check to eat successfully
I'm imaginging "Dex Chex," the breakfast cereal for Halfling Rogues everywhere.

[the-star-fish.livejournal.com]

::rolls a 1, gets a lapful of food::

AS USUAL.

I just came back from Chinese Buffet with osirusbrisbane; I have no right to be hungry!!

[sigerson.livejournal.com]

Whatsoever is placed in the slow cooker, becomes tasty.

It's like the Cerridwen's Cauldron of yumminess.

...You did bellow, "There is no one to stop me THIS TIME!!!", right? Because otherwise it doesn't count.

[sal-sal.livejournal.com]

You make it sound like I threw myself between you and the slow cooker. I did no such thing. I distinctly recall being asked whether or not you should put it in, you can't blame me for following my advice. In my opinion, the cassoulet was quite tasty without the summer sausage. (Minus my "Voila! Gristle!" moment, of course) Plus, if I hadn't suggested leaving it out, you wouldn't have had it availible for your miracle soup.

Perhaps you should share this recipe with mom? Except, share it soon, so she's already tried it before I've returned home.

[osirusbrisbane.livejournal.com]

I was going to oooh and aaaah over your tasty-sounding soup, but this comment is too funny and distracted me.

[sigerson.livejournal.com]

On the contrary, she can blame you for whatever she wants. Me, I'm going to blame you for the current state of immigration reform. And for my loaf of anadama bread that never rose.

[stealthmuffin.livejournal.com]

Free Reflex Save in every box!

Though I'd rather eat Dex Chex than Con Chex.

[stealthmuffin.livejournal.com]

On occasion, rolling a 1 will get you someone else's food. In your ear. Depends on the Dungeon Chef.

[stealthmuffin.livejournal.com]

Uh...maybe?

I'm pretty sure nothing became undead in the slow cooker.

[stealthmuffin.livejournal.com]

I'll try, but it's hard to replicate. (And I've learned from the gristle.)

It was more that your common sense prevented me from adding it. Damn your common sense!

[stealthmuffin.livejournal.com]

I blame her for Yonkers.

[ltlbird.livejournal.com]

Thanks for a great morning giggle.

[2h2o.livejournal.com]

But please take credit for the anadama being yummy.

[minyan.livejournal.com]

Soup of the evening, beautiful soup!
How come the tastiest ones are always the ones you didn't know you were making and can ever quite replicate? As someone (I think Russell Banks) said, there are a lot of rules...and the good people don't know any of them :-)